This is the fifth and final week of our homily series called "Secrets of Every Happy Family." We have been talking about how happy families tend to share common characteristics. And in the course of this series, we’ve focused on three.
The first secret of a happy family is that they accept the messiness of family life. Happy families accept the messiness with grace and flexibility. There are no perfect people, so there are no perfect families. We can choose to accept and respond with grace or not. Inevitably, happy families consistently choose to do so.
The second secret of happy families is that they're marked by mutual respect. This begins with respect for God's authority over the whole of family life. But then it's reflected in the mutual respect that spouses show for one another, creating an environment in which children grow and learn respect for their parents and themselves.
The third secret of a happy family is a commitment to a larger purpose. Happy families know that their relationships are not just about themselves.
They serve a greater mission and a higher purpose in their extended family, in their church family, in their neighborhood, in their community, and for the culture.
Three weeks ago, we looked at the role of the father in successful families. Dads have a responsibility that is unique in the life of the family. They have a responsibility for blessing their children. It's primarily dad's role to bless his kids as they grow and go into the world. And we know this because all of us, regardless of our age, look to our fathers for approval, for encouragement and for blessing. Happy families have fathers who embrace that role.
Two weeks ago, we looked at the very special role of moms.
We looked at how moms in happy families understand and accept their role as one of preparation for releasing their kids into the world.
To wrap up our series, we're going to look at a passage from a book of the Bible called first Corinthians. Saint Paul wrote two letters to the church in Corinth. Corinth was a wealthy Greek city in the Roman Empire.
It was one of the largest cities in the world at the time that Paul wrote. The Corinthians were a well-educated community of smart, sophisticated people.
Paul writes to them in part to answer some of their questions about the faith, but in larger part to address the inner conflict of the church there. The church of Corinth turns out was extremely dysfunctional. As a community of faith, it had all sorts of problems. There was envy, and selfishness, and impatience among the members.
Church members were actually suing one another in Roman courts, arguing over basics when it came to doctrines of the faith or practices. There were darker secrets and sins too. Does any of this sound familiar?
The point is, the Corinthians were far from perfect people. While the passage we're looking at is full of great ideas and beautiful language, the people of Corinth were far from these ideals. The passage we're looking at is taken from the 13th chapter of first Corinthians. Paul writes the following:
"If I speak in human and angelic tongues, but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy, and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge, if I have faith as to move mountains but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away everything, but do not have love, I gain nothing." So, Paul speaks poetically about the ideal of love. He says, "It doesn't matter what gifts, or talents, or abilities I have, if I'm not motivated by love, they're worthless."
He says, "It doesn't matter if I can speak well. If I do not speak with love, I'm just making noise." He says, "It doesn't matter if I have great wisdom and insight, without love, it's more like foolishness."
The same is true in our families. You can live in a great big, beautiful house, but if that house isn't filled with love, it's not a good place to be. You can go out to a lavish dinner in a fancy restaurant, but if everybody is fighting with one another, you're just going to have indigestion. You can go on an exotic, expensive vacation, but if you don't bring love along nobody's going to have any fun.
You can send your kids to a prestigious exclusive school, but if there's no love in your relationship with them, then those accomplishments don't really satisfy. Without love, our families cannot be happy. And we all want happy families. It's what we want. And yet, there's often this gap between what we want and what we have or what we want and what we experience.
There can be family dynamics that ought to be in our control that just seem out of control, beyond control! Sometimes, family time can be the most stressful, the most contentious time of the whole week. We can't wait to get back to work or school just to get away from it. Maybe that was your experience this past week. We love our families. We do. Everybody loves their families, but often we do not love them, as we would like to love them.
As distinguished from other kinds of love, because there are different kinds of love, the love that we feel for family is called affection. The love that you might have for an ideal or the love that you might have for a lover, is very different.
Affection is the love that we have for family and friends. It's an emotional connection that's marked by fondness at some, or perhaps, many levels of the relationship.
But, here's the thing. It's not enough. It's not enough to create and sustain a happy family.
Affection can fill us with warm and wonderful feelings towards family members, but it doesn't give us the power to be patient with them. Affection can make us want to enjoy and engage with family members, but it doesn't give us the ability to actually do so. If affection were enough, then every family would be a happy family, no marriage would end in divorce. If affection were enough, every parent-child relationship would be smooth sailing. You can't help but have affection for family members. Everybody does, but that doesn't guarantee that you are loving them in practice.
Affection simply isn't enough to create and sustain a happy family. You need grace. Grace is a gift. Grace is an unmerited favor from God. It's help from God that you haven’t earned, and in fact cannot earn. You don't deserve it, but you can open yourself up to it. You can strategically position yourself to receive Grace. It changes and transforms us and brings simple, practical help that we can use.
We expose ourselves to grace through spiritual habits. Like the celebration of the Eucharist here at Mass. Through our worship, song, and spoken prayer, in our communion together, in word and sacrament, we are exposing ourselves to grace. And when we couple our weekly worship together with a daily quiet prayer time alone; scripture reading, a devotion such as the rosary, listening to Christian music or just talking out loud to God, this lets grace in.
Another habit that is incredibly helpful is a consistent reliance on the support and encouragement of other believers, which obviously only makes sense. That’s why we encourage people to get involved with small groups. If we're trying to develop new habits, support from others who are doing the same, only makes sense. But practically, it doesn't happen for most people because they don't have a plan. This is about strategy. It’s about being strategic about your family, strategically positioning yourself to be receptive to grace because with grace, your affection for your family can become quite practical and infused with love.
So, notice what happens next in this passage from Corinthians. How Paul switches from lofty poetic language to very practical teaching on what love looks like in our families day-in and day-out. He says, "Love is patient. Love is kind." Now all of a sudden, we're no longer up in the clouds with the angels, we're at the dinner table with one another, where patience and kindness can come in handy. Paul is describing a lifestyle choice. A lifestyle choice in which you bear the faults and foibles of others as a personal discipline. Nobody is naturally like this. It is a choice, and it takes practice.
Paul goes on to say, "It's not jealous, it's not pompous, it's not inflated, it's not rude." In other words, the perspective of love is outwardly focused. It’s not about you.
Love is willing the good of the other. Loving is not about you. Love is about willing the good of the other.
That may sound strange to you because we are not naturally like this. We're not born that way. This is a lifestyle choice chosen as a personal discipline. Paul goes on to say, "Love does not brood over injuries." This is a big one, because we all sometimes hold on to stuff. Whatever that stuff is; a slight, a wrong, a remark, a criticism, a comment, we don’t let it go.
Ever been on the receiving end of that? You're talking about something, having a conversation and then all of a sudden, they're bringing out stuff from yesterday, and last week, and last year. And you're like, "Where's that coming from?" But what you didn't know is that it was there all along. They never let go of it. But Paul says, "Don't do that." Don't do it because love doesn't do it. You've got to pray about it. You've got to talk about it with other people, which is another reason why you should be in a small group, you've got to release it from your heart.
Paul concludes, "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things." It remains steadfast in the face of any and every circumstance. By the way, the repetition of that phrase “all things” is significant. Do you know what it meant in the original Greek context? It meant all things. All things. All things? All things.
If you're thinking, well, that's kind of ridiculous. That's kind of extreme. Paul would say, "Exactly. You understand my point precisely." Love is always trying to protect the integrity of the relationship. Seems like it's asking a lot. And at one level, it is. But at another level, it's actually easier. It takes so much energy to invest in negative emotions like anger, or annoyance, or impatience.
Open yourself to grace so that God can take that affection that you have for your family and apply it practically throughout your family life.
A family is an image and reflection of God's love. It's an imperfect reflection for sure, but it is a reflection.
It's imperfections and our frustration at its imperfections point us to a desire for something more. And whether we know it or not, our desire for something more is the family of God. Ultimately, what God is doing in the world is building His family, a family that we get to be a part of. So, we practice, we learn how to do it really well right here in our own families.
What God is doing in the world is building His family, a family that we get to be a part of. So, we practice, we learn, how to do it really well, right here, in our own families.
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