The Secret of Every Happy Family: Fathers

Last week, we launched our new homily series for the New Year called, "Secrets of Every Happy Family." We all share, in common, the experience of a family because we've all come from a family and we have emotional attachment to family members.  Words like mother, father, brother, sister are not emotionally neutral words. They bring a flood of memories and feelings.

We talked about three principles of a happy family that form the basis for this series.  They're by no means meant to be a comprehensive, exhaustive list, just some of the principles on which we're focusing.

The first principle of a happy family is that they accept the messiness of family life with grace and flexibility.  As we all know there are no perfect people, and as a result, there are no perfect families.

When confronted with flaws and failures of family life in a family member, happy families choose consistently to accept their loved ones with all of their imperfections, and to forgive them.

The Second secret of a happy family is mutual respect. This respect begins with respect and appreciation of God's authority over family life. But then it's about each spouse's mutual respect for one another, creating an environment, an atmosphere of respect in which children learn and grow, and ultimately practice in their families.

The third secret of a happy family is a commitment to a larger purpose beyond themselves.  The family is the basic building block of society. And as family relationships grow in health, so grows the culture.  And as family relationships are weakened, so is society. A family that exists only for itself will never be happy.

Well, today, we're going to look at a unique role in the family. It is the role of a father or a father figure.  And in order to do it, we're going to take a look at Jesus’ relationship with his father, based upon a key moment in Jesus’ life.

This moment  is described in the third chapter of Luke's Gospel, where Luke is telling us about John the Baptist, a great prophet, who prepared the way for the coming of Jesus. His preaching called people to fundamental change. And along with his preaching, he also baptized people as a sign or a symbol of that change.

He was an interesting person in his right, as crowds came to hear him.  And Luke tells us all the people were baptized and importantly that Jesus himself was baptized. The point of baptism is to repent from sin. It's to start a new life with God.  But Jesus didn't need to do that because he was sinless. So, why did John baptize him?

Well, scholars  point to two reasons.  The First reason, Jesus is providing a model here for his followers.  He showed us how he wants us to live and what he wants us to do, and that's what he was doing here.

The second reason is to set up this incredibly important moment that we're going to be looking at, and the moment goes like this --- after Jesus had been baptized, the heavens were opened, and the Holy Spirit descended upon him in bodily form like a dove and a voice, came from heaven saying, "You are my beloved Son."

Those are incredibly important words from any father to his son.  You are loved. You are my beloved. But then there comes words perhaps equally important, perhaps equally valuable because God the Father says to His son, "With you I am well-pleased." I not only love you,  you have my approval.

That's a whole other level.  That's a whole other iteration of relationship.  Jesus was 100% God, but also, fully human. And as a human being, he desired approval and encouragement, every bit as much as the rest of us.  Especially when you consider what he was headed into, the difficulties, the conflicts, the challenges, and the criticism that were ahead for him.  The approval and encouragement of his father was incredibly important.

A central role, a principal role for any father in any family is to eventually send his sons and daughters into the world with his blessing.  And part of the secret of every happy family is when the father accepts this role and invests in it. And it's a role that uniquely belongs to the father.  Mothers obviously have a role of equipping and encouraging children, but it's different with fathers. Partly, that's because the mother-child bond is more physical.  It's more innate. The father-child bond must be more intentionally developed.

People, who grow and proceed into the world with their father's blessing, grow and proceed with more emotional health.  And emotional health is one of the greatest advantages that anyone can enjoy, especially in these challenging times. If you know the blessing of your father, if he effectively communicated his love and approval for you, it's an emotion that runs deep, and wide, in your heart.  You may even be able to call to mind, the moment or the moments when that happened for you.

On the other hand, if your father's blessing is missing in your life, you feel that absence, perhaps at a visceral level. Maybe you've explained it away or played it down, but it's there.  You never heard that blessing. You never got that approval, and now that's a driving force in your daily life.

People who have missed out on their father's blessing, look for it everywhere, anywhere, from other authority figures, from mentors, and bosses, and teachers, and friends.  Some people spend their whole lives searching for a father.

For many others, your experience falls somewhere in between. Your father gave you some kind of blessings for sure, but it was messy. It was compromised. You might say it was a mixed blessing.

So, all of that said, so, what?  What are we supposed to do with this message?  At a certain level, it is what it is, right? Well, perhaps just a word to fathers and then a word to everybody else.

Fathers, dads, you need to know that your words and actions carry weight, a huge weight.  The reality is that your words, your emotions set the tone for family life reaching out even to extended family and your circle of friends.  You might not believe this. You might not think this is so.

Maybe, sometimes you feel like you can't even get your family's attention, like; nobody's even listening to you.  But the reality is that there's a huge desire on the part of everybody in your household to see you pleased and to make you happy.

And when you're displeased, when you are unhappy, when you are in a bad mood, it disturbs your household.  Your sarcasm, your criticism, your complaints, your anger, it carries disproportionate weight. The best gift that you can give your kids isn't the gift of more  money, or experience, or advice, or even education.

The greatest gift that you can give your children is the blessing of knowing that you love them and that they have your approval, and the blessing.  The blessing comes down to a moment. It always comes down to a moment. But here's the thing, you never know when the moment will occur.

You don't know which moment is going to impact, is going to stick, with your kids.  A friend tells me he remembers one time his father took him out to celebrate a good report card.  They went downtown, and walked all around, and then they went to lunch. My friend’s father took him to lunch to this really fancy restaurant.   He was 10 years old.

But a lunch, really, after all is just a lunch, right?  It's not a life-changing experience, except for this fact, that lunch, that moment, has stuck with my friend his whole life long.  The blessing always comes down to a moment, and you never know when the moment will occur. And that's why you've got to communicate it over, and over, and over again.

Speak words of blessing and approval over your kids and be specific.  When they bring home a report card, focus first on all the good work that they've accomplished.

If they do something noteworthy or exceptional on a sports field or in the arts, or even more importantly, if they display some strength of character, recognize it, and celebrate it.  If you are a father who is in the military, bless your children every chance you get especially when you are deployed. If you are a grandfather raising your grandchildren, bless them.  If you do not yet have children, anticipate the days and the ways you will bless and encourage your children.

All fathers, let your children know  you believe in them, and you believe that there's a great plan for their lives.  Your words are impacting them now and shaping a path for their future. And the communication of approval and blessing comes not only from words, but it's in action.  Hug your kids, play with them, and laugh with them too. And when you do, you're also communicating blessing.

You are the spiritual authority in your family. Whether you recognize that or not, you are the spiritual authority in your family, and communicating blessing is the principal way in which you exercise that authority.

For the rest of us, we have to be aware of this dynamic too.  If you have a father that helped you feel his blessing, thank God for him and thank him yourself if you still have the opportunity.   Dads need encouragement and support too because they often wonder if they're doing a good job, and you can let them know when they are.

If your father didn't give you his blessing, if you realize now that you're angry and you're annoyed with him about that, you know what you're supposed to do too.  Your job is to forgive him. To let go of those things that he didn't give you. To let go of that hurt in your heart, not denying it, but just releasing it.

We'll cover this more in a couple of weeks, but the best things that you can do is to acknowledge that he owed you his blessing and then forgive him for not giving it to you.  Forgiveness is not easy. If you are stuck and can’t forgive, I encourage you to seek help, maybe counseling could help you.

But what you can also do, moving forward, is to recognize the opportunities that you have, to speak blessing and encouragement into the lives of others.  Give away what you yourself didn't get. However, no matter how well or how poorly your father blessed you, it isn't enough.

It's never enough.  It cannot possibly fill us.  There is still a gap. There is a still a longing.  There is still a need, and that is nobody's fault. That's not your father's fault, and that's not some fault or failure on your part either.  That's just the way it is because all human fatherhood is only a reflection, and a dim reflection, of our heavenly Father.

Deep in our heart, God has planted a desire for us to please and honor him.  Ultimately, that longing we're feeling is for the blessing of God.

And the good news with the Gospel is that we can begin to understand and appreciate and receive that blessing in the person of Jesus Christ.

It is Jesus who helps us understand our Heavenly Father.  He's pleased with every step of faith that we take toward him.  He is delighted with every act of obedience we honor him with, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.  Through that kind of relationship, in Jesus Christ, our heavenly Father is easily, and well, pleased.

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